Important Post-Thanksgiving Realizations

After taking a week off and returning home for the Thanksgiving holiday, I've come to a couple of important conclusions:

1. I miss Southern California immensely.
2. I need a car at Stanford.
3. This quarter, academically, is almost a lost cause but can be an important learning experience.

I've also realized that I'm still not sure what motivates me here at Stanford. I tell myself that I study hard and work hard for my parents, my sisters, and my future family, but I often find myself just sleeping this quarter. I know that a lot of it can be attributed to my busy extracurricular schedule and a severe lack of sleep, but I know many people can push past these obstacles and succeed.  There's also the monetary factor to consider: my parents are paying thousands of dollars for me to attend, and my slacking will prove to be costly; my parents don't deserve that.

[edited Monday, December 10, 2007 at 1:51 AM PST]

I know this sounds like quite the transition after I had asked such reflective questions, but I think I know now what motivates me and what drives me to succeed. Recently, I've found a passion for public service that drives my inquisitive, academic nature. Despite wanting to major in Management Science & Engineering initially, I have realized that my future lies in Urban Studies. I will still take courses that relate to technological and business innovation, simple because I am interested in these topics and they are important to be informed of, but a majority of my academic coursework will focus upon the problems inherent in U.S. cities, especially Los Angeles and San Francisco. I really feel that I want to make a difference in the world, and increasing my knowledge in this subject area will help me to improve my skills and knowledge as a future civil servant. I still will minor in MS&E because business is the root of my entrepreneurial interests, but I know now that true intellectual stimulation comes from the plight of the urban oppressed and downtrodden.

My Reflections as a "Frat Boy" (Part I)

This will be, by far, one of the most reflective and emotional entries I have published so far. So I'm pledging a fraternity, a fraternity that, in its ideals, is one established in the name of honor, a fraternity that was established as a reaction to what its founders deemed as "hazing" at a southern military college after the Civil War. It is a fraternity, that, in its ideals, I have come to love and admire; no other fraternity at Stanford represents the ideals that this one does, ideals that I feel align with my personal and spiritual philosophy. It is also, for the most part, a fraternity composed of young men who I greatly admire and whose company I enjoy. But as our initiation week draws to a close and I move one step closer to becoming an initiate (or a "knight" as we call it), I am beginning to question my motivations for pledging this fraternity, or at least the organization's ability to adhere to the virtues that I have held so close to my heart since I discovered them.
You see, especially during I-Week, I feel that our pledge process has sometimes included very arbitrary pledge challenges. Don't get me wrong; I felt that many of these events, even in their arbitrariness, my brothers and I were, in the very least, bonded closer together in our struggle to succeed. Eating global thermonuclear hot wings and seeing the faces my pledge brothers made after the heat kicked in provided some amazing memories. So did conquering a pitch-black aqueduct in record time. I'm not saying that all our challenges have not had meaning; being an optimist, I always find myself trying to grow and learn from each event despite my inability to understand its significance to our growth as candidates. Lately, I feel that the pledge process has taken a turn in a direction that our fraternity ideals do not condone. In my eyes, some of the things that have happened have tiptoed around being what many would call hazing. Being doused in baby oil and made to run carrying a watermelon around campus does not seem at all educational or productive in my opinion. My strongly optimistic side tells me that we learned teamwork and how to push ourselves when situations are not favorable, but after hearing our actives laugh at and enjoy drenching us in oil, it seems as if the event itself gave these men I hope to call "brothers" in the future a twisted satisfaction, especially since they themselves were subject to it during their pledge process. Many of these men are the same men I mentioned earlier, men I admire for their intelligence, courage, talent, and determination. But to see them enjoy the discomfort of others who look to them as role models in a small way breaks my heart. At the same time, it pains me to see my pledge brothers struggle alongside me. I feel a kinship to them that is comparable only to that of my own best friends, "The League," as we call ourselves. The means of attaining the signatures of our actives has also raised some questions in my mind. I have participated in and seen my brothers participate in some demeaning events. I have had to Facebook message a fraternity alumni and insult his girlfriend; I respect him very much and he has helped me in the past, and although he knows I did it in the spirit of I-Week, I still feel guilt over saying such lewd and obscene things about his girlfriend. Even in jest, I know I would be angry if anyone spoke that way about Angela. Again, I'm torn. I have to admit, tandem biking nude and streaking through Meyer Library was definitely a fun experience, but I think that sometimes the line is crossed, and in a national fraternity where smaller infractions are not tolerated, I wonder what National would say if it heard about these things.
All this concerns me so much because I want this fraternity to rise and come to symbolize something greater. To this day, the most amazing thing I have discovered about it (besides its members) is its secession from National in 1962 to protest its policy of disallowing African-Americans and Asians from becoming candidates. I want us to be known as more than just a social fraternity. Great men have already emerged from our ranks, and I feel that my brothers and I can be a force on campus, contributing to community development and social service, alongside our prestige as a social organization. I already see what greatness can be achieved when a few come together; I just wish for our fraternity to be shown in the best light possible and I feel that, given the immense talent that it holds, we as a collective unit can do so much more.
There's still two days left until I-Week ends. We'll see how my thoughts change as the week ends. I pray that God gives me strength in the coming days.

It's amazing what can happen in 17 hours...

Maybe I'm embellishing, but I don't think I'll ever truly understand the power of love to motivate human action. How ridiculous is it that someone would spend $300 to fly up for only 15 hours to be my date for my fraternity formal, then go back the next morning to return to her responsibilities at work? I am a man of many words, a man who loves to hear himself speak and explain things and rationalize people's actions, but after experiencing just how great being loved feels, I am at a loss for words. As she says, "speechless". That silence says something, especially coming from someone like me. Throughout this entire relationship, I have felt so undeserving of the love and attention I've been given, especially because of my inability to fully reciprocate as a result of my busy schedule. Why do I deserve a love like this? Who am I to burden such an amazing, thoughtful, and beautiful person like her, especially since I haven't been stepping up to the plate lately. I truly thank God for sending her to me every night; it's because of her love and support that I know that I'm moving in a positive direction in my life. She can push me to be better without doing anything, yet her dedication to her responsibilities and her goals inspires me to a new level of vision and achievement. I'm a very independent person, but I just can't see me living the rest of my life without her. She is my hope, my dream, my support, my wings, my love, my life. It's pretty heavy for a 19-year-old, but I believe it with every bit of me. Thank you, babe, for all you do. I hope that one day I can be as good to you as you have been to me. Love you.

Some Interesting Questions (Unfinished)

Today has been a day filled with questions that have challenged (or maybe affirmed) my position on certain metaphysical issues. They all generally lead back to the most significant question that we as humans have been trying to answer, a question that history, science, religion, and art have all attempted to find the solution to: What is the meaning of life (and is there only one meaning)? After having a lengthy philosophical discussion with a person who I initially believed to be one of the biggest meatheads I'd ever met (I won't mention any names), I began to reflect upon my own beliefs and behaviors. Do I really have a purpose on this planet, and if so, what is it? Are we all ultimately destined to the same fate in death? I, being a romantic and a devout spiritualist, do believe in a destiny that is affected by both free will and the Will of a Greater Power, and I feel that science can only explain a limited amount of what makes up life.

"Be Bold," Part I

The First Step: Finding Your Truest Self
1. What does your "hair down/shoes off" self look like? What are you doing during these moments?

I don't really understand what this question is asking. Is it asking for how I am at my most relaxed, or is it asking what I am like when I am stripped down to my very core? If the answer is the latter, I feel that, deep down, my very essence is that of a social servant. I feel that my mission, in its simplest form, is to help other people, whether they be less fortunate or not. When I have my "shoes off," I imagine myself being a lively, friendly host to everyone I encounter. I see myself striking up conversation, building relationships, finding what's most good in people, and making each person feel like he or she is truly valued.

2. What actions have you taken in your life that best reflect what's meaningful to you? Why were they meaningful?

Most significantly, I feel that either choosing to work for ABL or attending Stanford has been the most important decision in life in terms of my career because of the direction that both actions have pointed me to. I always knew that I had a greater, divinely inspired purpose in life, and the atmospheres at both institutions have led me to find what may be this more significant meaning that I should be working towards.

3. What do you do that makes you feel most alive?

At the professional level, I love leading projects and decomposing them into smaller, more manageable tasks. Entrepreneurship in general really excites me, and the prospect of creating my own organization is a major driving force of my education.

4. If you had one word tattooed on your body, what would it be and why?

I'd probably get either "passion" or "love" tattooed to my body. I feel those two words really encompass what truly motivates me to act and push myself to higher levels of achievement and growth.

A Feeling of Accomplishment

I know this sounds somewhat sad, but there's a certain feeling of accomplishment that goes along with not taking a nap for an entire day. Taking long naps in the middle of the day has become a bad habit of mine since I first started college, and it's probably the reason why I fell behind so drastically the first half of this quarter. But today was different. There was something about putting on a crisp dress shirt, pressed dress slacks, polished dress shoes, and a silk tie that motivated me to push myself to a higher level of efficiency than I'm used to here at school. It was almost as if I were back in the office, grinding away at a project despite an intense level of fatigue. The kicker is that I didn't even have a cup of coffee today. Don't get me wrong; at some points, I felt really tired. But for some reason, I was able to steam past the drooping eyelids and handle my business. I guess it's a double-edged sword; I know now what I'm capable of, and I'll be disappointed if I don't perform at such a high level on a more consistent basis. I guess that means I'm going business casual more often.
On another note, I was reading this book that I received from Professor Edwards yesterday called "Be Bold," which is published by the Echoing Green Foundation. The book talks about 12 Echoing Green Fellows who are creating positive change in the global community. After reading a couple of their struggles and "moments of obligation," as the book calls them, I found myself genuinely inspired, to say the least. So much so that thoughts of taking next year off to begin my own non-profit organization began to seem more like a plausible option. Right now I feel so motivated to go out into the field and do research on the prevailing problems of urban education and see where I can use my talents to improve the academic problems of central city youth. Next quarter, I'm going to seek out a mentor who will help me take the preliminary steps to starting up my company, or at least help me compile my research. I feel that this will ultimately be my calling; I just don't want to close any doors just yet though.
Everything has, in a way, fallen very neatly into place for me. After struggling for a little over two weeks, I've finally reached a stable state of tranquility and a peace of mind that I have not experienced since the quarter began. I am always aware of the fact that I am blessed in numerous ways, but I found that I don't truly appreciate these blessings until I overcome a period of high stress and increased anxiety. It's sad, but I guess it's true when they say that you don't truly miss something until it's gone (except that in my case, it's that I don't appreciate what I have until I have lost my opportunity to do so). I really didn't like the way I reacted to the stress because that's exactly what I did: react. Instead of being proactive and trying to find a solution, I found myself merely stressing out and reiterating how bad my situation was. Now I see that the only way to get through a problem is hold your head up high, brace yourself, and bust through it as best you can until you can't run any longer, because at the end of the day, "this too shall pass".
My life is in a perpetual state of grace. Who am I to complain about this charmed life of mine?
My beloved family, I will cherish your love and support; I hope to make you proud. My loyal friends, I will enjoy your company and individuality; I hope to make you laugh. My loving lady, I will cherish your devotion and understanding; I hope to make you happy. My generous Father, I will cherish Your benevolence and compassion; I hope to make myself worthy of Your Love. Amen.

Sophomore Year So Far...

I'm six weeks into the fall quarter of my sophomore year, and things haven't turned out quite as magically as I had hoped they would. Aside from the routine overload from a stressful class schedule and too many extracurricular activities, I feel like I haven't had the time to develop all the relationships that I cherished so much last year. I don't even get a chance to see Elaine or Lerma, and they live right next door to me! I don't know if it has to do with me being spread out way too thin, ineffective time management, or a combination of both, but part of me feels that I'm not getting the most out of my life here at Stanford because I'm dedicating so much of it towards achievement and building organizations.
Looking at the last couple of weeks (and even the last couple of months), I wonder if this is what I should be doing. I mean, I'm good at building organizations, but I feel that, especially recently, I haven't even been doing that well because of all of my commitments. Dv8 isn't close to where I wanted it to be from last year, and I'm struggling to find my place at the top of the group. I feel that no one really respects the ideals that the team stands for (mainly dedication, innovation, and community) and that almost no one truly loves dancing. I even find myself doubting my passion for the craft, and I always thought myself an crazed enthusiast of hip-hop. At this point, I don't know what I should do. Should I work to inspire my teammates? How can I inspire if I often find myself without inspiration? Should I work to serve my own artistic interests? How do I do that without contradicting the ideals of community upon which Dv8 was founded? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place; I just hope that I'll find the means out and thrive upon escape.
Then there's school. Escuela. I'm definitely not doing as well as I should be. I've already had to drop a class this quarter because I couldn't find time to study for it, and I'm still struggling to even stay behind in my CompSci and Urban Studies classes. At least I'm learning a lot in Spanish. I have less than five weeks left in the quarter with one midterm down and two approaching (both of which I am completely unprepared for). I'm wondering whether I have what it takes to overcome these obstacles and succeed. I pray that I am given the strength and diligence to do so, but right now, prospects aren't looking so hot.
I guess, in retrospect, I just need to get a hold of myself and my life. I'm not used to this much responsibility and taking on responsibility for others, but I'm going to need to learn if I'm ever going to grow as a leader and as a person. It's essentially up to me to make the most of this journey and to take what I can from it. Time will tell. It is my hope that the next time I write an entry here, it will be one of celebration and triumph.

My Final Thoughts on Summer 2007 (Originally Unpublished)

Looking back on the last three months, I find that I have grown immensely, not only as a result of the intense professional environment at the Academy of Business Leadership (ABL), but also because of the various relationship dynamics that I have explored this summer. I am extremely grateful for my experiences during the summer, and I will be forever thankful for the special people in my life; I believe that I am blessed beyond all reason.

I don't want this to be a negative post, as I have no right to be expressing such sentiments. But I feel that I need an outlet, and I don't want to ever impose a burden upon other people with my petty whinings-about. So let this be a disclaimer and an apology to anyone who ever comes across this: the proceeding entry is not a reflection of my life, only the sentiments and emotions that are flying through my heart and my mind currently.

For almost my entire life, I think I've dealt with a very complicated inferiority complex. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm confident in my abilities to learn, to do work, and to get a job done, but no matter what I do, and no matter how perfect my life seems to be, I always end up feeling as if I've let someone I care about down. For example, spending time at ABL gave me joy because the job was fulfilling and meaningful on top of the fact that I was able to share it with Angela. But doing so meant that I spent less time with my family and friends. On the flipside, keeping my family and friends happy and spending time with them implies that I can't give my everything to work and that I spend less time with someone I care about so much.

8/15/07

I haven't really gotten the chance to evaluate how my life has come to be the way it is today. I've written about how grateful I am and what actually is going on, but I haven't had the opportunity to really contemplate how I've reached this point. It's been a bumpy ride thus far; I've had many ups and downs, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I guess a lot of the abundance that is present in my life can be attributed to an appreciation for the power of positive thinking. Whenever I hear testimonials about this "power," I become a little skeptical because I like to believe that people earn what they get; thought alone cannot guarantee success. You have to be able to visualize what you want before you can actualize it, of course, but it is your action, your decision to move purposefully in the direction of your dreams, that increases your chances of attaining what my originally be unattainable. Everytime I see a gimmicky presentation of this concept, I cringe a little (I'm still not sure how I feel about "The Secret"). They seem to guarantee results without emphasizing the importance of action.

Let's do a little case study, shall we? Since I often refer to my first meeting with Angela as a life-changing moment, I'll take my relationship with her as the subject of my little "study". I honestly didn't attract her into my life. I didn't want to date anyone; I didn't want to run the risk of having my heart broken again; I just wanted to be successful in everything else in my life and focus on myself individually. Yet somehow, by God's grace, she has come into my life and has become one of the best friends I have ever had. An incomparable love has been revealed to me although I didn't actively search for it. I have found someone who has exceeded my expectations for a girlfriend, best friend, and potential wife. To this day, I thank God for her because I know I don't deserve a love like hers. Despite my thoughts and my skepticism, she is still here in my life. Where's "The Secret" in that? I don't mean to demean a philosophy that has changed the lives of so many people, but personally, I feel that it is more through the loving grace of God that people experience prosperity rather than the alignment of thoughts, desires, and actions. Aligning the three certainly will help you reach your aspirations, but I believe that, ultimately, it is God who decides your final destination. His benevolence implies that He will often allow you to reach the destination you wish to reach, but I feel that it might not be that case all the time.

I'm still exploring my feelings on all of this. The only thing I know for sure is that spiritual power of the will of God in conjunction with the earthly power of the human will is incredible. All change, big or small, is possible when these two factors align.

There's a first time for everything, right? (Originally Unpublished)

I'm always looking for opportunities to grow, chances to become a better son, brother, friend, co-worker, and person. I feel that the last six or so weeks have challenged every moral, spiritual, social, intellectual, and professional fiber in my body. I've been stretched to the point of utmost exhaustion, but I find that, no matter what, I possess an unexpected resilience that allows me to continue to strive for my best. It's as if God is teaching me an honors course in life and pop quizzing me every morning on a different lesson that I didn't get any notes on prior. But I can't complain because, as far as I see it, I'm growing as a person.