A Heavy Hearted Work of Staggering Naïvete

Grey Clouds and Greyhounds

2009-01-06T14:21:00.000-08:00

Staring out a bus window
At dreams unmanifested, falling
Asleep to the white noise of a lost hope and the
Roar of an engine pushing on towards loneliness, falling
In love with running away, tired feet and
Blistered heart heaving and panting, reaching
Out to empty hands and gasping for love.
She pulls her legs in closer and pushes her
Soul farther into depths that know no bound, that
Continue like a bottomless pit of despair
I see her face in the reflection, the most
Beautiful sadness enshrouded by a facade
Of pain. Tear-stained emotions sing solos to the
Bass line of aching and the high-hat of
Yearning, while callused fingers pluck the
Chords of sorrow. I blink; my ears hear
A phantom symphony, lost in the quiet wailing of a singular
Sadness.

Autumn Requiem

2008-10-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

An amber melody plays
Tinting the air with somber notes
Of golden brown
A bitter sweetness envelops and a
Sugary humidity bathes the air
Seasons change, they say
People come and go, yet
I look and movement stops
And I see it is
Seasons that come and go
And people that change.

Quantum Solace

2008-10-17T00:36:00.000-07:00

As I sit solemnly in the solace of my wandering mind
My thoughts meander their way to images of you
Holding me, holding you in an embrace so warm that
The very sensation sends shivers up my spine, as if
Time stood still and temperatures flipped, like
Without warning, global warming became irrelevant
And seasons became irreverent to the natural order of the universe.
But in this galaxy, tucked away in the crevices of my mind
I dream of times when I could see you, touch you
And like a fruit picked too quickly from the vine
I grow bitter
Because I realize in this lonely universe that the ethereal force
That continues to drive its celestial expansion is you
You are my stars, my moon, my sun
And it is in this quiet of space that I reach out to you
For there are times when meteors shower and
Asteroids crash land on the crust of the planet that is me
And I shout out to the stars, the moon, the sun
In hopes of one day, like Icarus, touching them, touching you
Gravity strikes and my mind falls back to reality
And I recall that these bodies of gas and light and heat
Mean nothing compared to the warmth that is you
And I return to my solace, building wings that I may soon
Touch the face of my universe.

McCain Up in the Polls? We're Still Winning... [Originally Unpublished]

2008-09-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

[Note: I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, when McCain pulled ahead of Obama in the national polls for the first time...]

Lately, a lot has been made about the McCain-Palin ticket suddenly surging forward and, for the first time, taking the lead in the national polls. Many of my fellow Obama supporters have reacted with great despair, losing hope in the momentum that Senators Obama and Biden have accumulated since the Democratic National Convention. Others have implored the Obama-Biden campaign to fight fire with fire and turn to the swiftboating that has come to define the political impetus with which the Republican party strikes. It is this negative thinking that Senator Obama has come to speak and work against, and what he and his supporters are looking to eliminate from the American political landscape. Each time we drop our heads in doubt, or turn our faces away from the fear that wells up inside of us, we dilute the message the Senator Obama has tried to carry to each and every American during this election season: hope.

I have listened and read many reactions to Senator Obama’s campaign. A majority of those who have come to support him say that he has been an inspiration, whether through his eloquence as an orator, his work as a community organizer, or his conviction as a politician. He has become for many people a symbol of changing times, when we can look around and upon our American brothers and sisters and not be afraid to ask for help or to offer it. He has inspired many who had been apathetic to rise up and stand for something, to look into the eyes of those who are suffering, feel their pain, and tell them that together we can rise above the struggle presented before us. He has united millions-- White, Black, Asian, Latino, Native American, gay, straight, Democrat, Republican, Independent--in the fight to change this country and the image that is projected to its citizens and to the rest of the world.

How can it look like we’re losing? Each time one of us, Democrat or Republican, turns to a poor man on the street and offers him food, we win. Each time someone volunteers at an overstaffed health clinic, we win. Each time someone raises his or her hand and fights for the change he or she believes in, we win. So regardless of who wins this election, we as a people can continue to win if we look to serve each other as brothers and sisters would.

A Feeling of Uselessness > What Barack Obama Means to Me

2008-08-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

After spending nearly the last ten weeks slaving away at office administrivia, business plans, and more useless office paperwork, I find myself unable to get motivated and actually accomplish anything. I told myself that after ABL was over that I would start exercising again, read a couple of books, take a couple of dance classes, and generally be downright awesome. Since my last day of work, I’ve read the first chapter of Barack Obama’s Dreams from my Father, six pages of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Autumn of the Patriarch, and leafed through David Bach’s Live Green, Get Rich. To my credit, I have read numerous magazines cover to cover, including gems like Time and Complex. What intellectual stimuli pass through my frontal lobes into the depths of my cerebellum! Or is it my cerebrum? Ah, a testament to my B- in Human Physiology last quarter. I’ve run a total of -2 miles (ask me how that’s possible), and I have yet to take any dance classes, let alone finalize choreography that I have to teach this coming Wednesday. Sounds like a party, right?

The only significant development that has arisen from the last seven days has been my increased participation in Barack Obama’s campaign. I recently informally joined a political action committee (PAC) called MoveOn for Barack Obama, which is dedicated to (as is implied by its title) electing Barack Obama as the next president of the United States. A couple of days ago, I put on a small gathering with a couple of close friends to watch Obama’s nomination acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention in Denver. The fact that I went through the effort to put this thing together is huge, especially given that I was not (until the recent election) a huge fan of politics and was a skeptic of its ability to influence and create change. I took a chance and put on the party mainly because I was tired of what the Bush administration had been doing and because everyone and their mother had jumped on the Barack Obama bandwagon at Stanford and I wanted to take a sip of the cult Kool-Aid, granted that I did tout myself as a mildly-informed Obama supporter during the last school year.

As I prepared for the event, I found myself more and more drawn to the complexities and intricacies of Obama’s message of hope and change. Say what you will about his campaign being built solely on the strength of his rhetoric, but, as a former English major and a proponent of the power of writing and language, what he has to say is extremely gripping. I truly believe that, as an orator, you can only falsify your belief in what you are presenting to a certain extent; in order for a speech to be truly moving, you must believe with all your heart the value and power of each word you speak. I see that, I hear that, I feel that each time I watch Senator Obama speak.

My time in college has led me to believe that my future lies in creating positive change, and I feel a connection to Obama’s words. In my mind, they are a call to action to every citizen of this great country, asking them to look past their own selfish wants to take care of his or her American family, whether White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, etc. We should not, as noble residents of this nation, let the color of our skin divide us, but rather allow the colors of our flag unite us and allow us to see that beyond the surface, we are all the children of opportunity and the bearers of great responsibility to each other and to the world. More importantly, we must realize that, like Obama said, “...change does not come from Washington; it comes to Washington”. We, as a body of Americans, are ultimately chartered to take hold on the future lying before us. We, as mothers and fathers of the next generation of citizens, must shape the destiny of our children now by our actions.

I feel that this is Obama’s message, and I believe this is why so many young people have clung to him and have elevated him to “celebrity” status, as the GOP likes to call it. And so what if he’s the political equivalent of a rock star? I would rather have a president that young people can proudly look up to, rather than one that is mocked and loathed on late-night sketch television (although I acknowledge that if Obama is elected, he is going to make mistakes and get smacked around on Saturday Night Live every once in a while). His influence alone has inspired millions of young people to register and vote (at least 4 million new Democrats) and countless others, regardless of party, creed, or gender, to take up arms in the fight against injustice, prejudice, and inequality. Obama has become a symbol of hope in an unsure time, and although that alone is not reason enough to elect him, it’s good knowing that, if elected, he will continue to be that for so many people as President.

If you are one of the dedicated souls who has endeavored to read this far, I ask that you humor me once more and either begin or continue to follow the election, whether or not you can vote. Learn about what needs to be done to make this nation better. If you can vote, I do not ask you to do so for Barack Obama without reason, but rather that you chose whomever you feel will be able to lead this country to become the America you would like it to be for yourself and your red, white, and blue brothers and sisters.

Thanks for reading!

Reflections on Seven Weeks Well Spent

2008-08-22T01:42:00.000-07:00

I walked into the classroom at Cal State Los Angeles with my mind made up. It’s a real shame that I’ll only be with these kids for two weeks, I thought to myself. They sat there, looking a little uncomfortable and a little unsure of what the next seven weeks would bring. Some were introducing themselves to the others sitting near them; others kept to themselves or played with their cell phones, texting their friends about how they were bored and wished they were somewhere else.

It went like I expected, with each of the site staff introducing themselves in front of everyone and Diego periodically pumping up the students with exclamations of “USC is number... ONE!” loud enough so that anyone as far away as Cambodia could hear. But as each student introduced him- or herself to the rest of the class, my reservations diminished. There was something different about this class; there was an energy, a fire that I had never experienced during the program (albeit it was only my second summer on staff). I felt a connection with each student after he or she gave an introduction, and I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave. Not these kids, not this summer.

So the show went on and I waltzed into Mudd Hall with great reservations. These kids were nothing like my students at Cal State Fullerton; they were a little more volatile, a little more unpredictable, and a hell of a lot more rowdy. The next seven weeks, let me tell you, were HARD. I made a promise to myself that I would go to bed at 10:30 each night so I would wake up refreshed; that went down the drain as early as the third week. I told myself that I would leave USC every day at 3:30 so that I could get to office and return home on time; I think I left that early once. I even convinced myself that I couldn’t grow to love these kids as much as I did my students from last year; I couldn’t have been more wrong.

USC was a force this year. Each and every day, I would walk through the double doors of our classroom mentally and physically exhausted, but the energy that emanated from 68 loud, rambunctious students can sustain someone so much more than the Rockstars and White Chocolate Mochas I used to keep me wired throughout the summer. It was never difficult to remain inspired because there was always someone working harder than me. I would come into class at around 7:30 each morning completely tired after going to bed at midnight and I would hear how some students pulled all-nighters after going to work to finish their financials or marketing plans. Then they would commute from as far as the Valley to get to class on time. What did I have to complain about?

And it wasn’t even about the students’ work ethics... After weeks of yelling, screaming, and arguing, these kids really did become family. I would often stand in front of the class, lecturing about the importance of respect and commitment to each other, but I didn’t believe that a class of 68 students from different walks of life could come together the way they did this summer, like a beautiful mosaic. During USC’s business plan competition, they would cheer each other on and celebrate if another group did well; they fed off each other’s success. Each time these kids threw up a “Fight On!”, they would throw up an “I Love You” as well. When Oknel was chosen to represent us, there was a genuine joy in each student’s face, and when Oknel didn’t place, a genuine heartbrokenness pervaded over USC’s normally enthusiastic demeanor. The truth is, these kids really did love each other, in a way that I have never seen any class come together over the course of my time at ABL. When I say that they shared their joys, sorrows, laughters, and tears, I mean that very literally. The empathy that each student felt for his or her classmates was remarkable, and something that will continue inspiring me as I continue my life after ABL.

So to my 68 kids at USC, best of luck to all of you; I thank God that you were able to change my mind about leaving ABL. Like I have told many of you time and time again, the reason I was able to do the things I did this summer was because I had 68 reasons every morning to go out and do my best. I love you all and I pray that this summer will only be mark the beginnings of the wonderful relationships I will be having with all of you in the future. Thank you for changing my life. I love you all.

Burned Out?

2008-05-15T18:29:00.001-07:00

I didn't really believe in the concept of "burning out"; I thought it was a cop-out for not having the motivation to follow through on your responsibilities. But I think, since I've taken on a wider breadth and greater depth of responsibility this year (in addition to a more intensive course load), I've lost motivation to push myself. Don't get me wrong; I consider myself extremely fortunate to be able to call Stanford home, especially given the immense opportunities I have been given through my attendance, but I think I need some time to re-prioritize and see what I want to be doing next year. I'm studying what I love, and I'm doing what I love; it's just that some of these things have lost their luster. Take dance, for example. I feel stuck. I'm not excited about dancing with DV8 anymore, and its affecting my love for the movement. I'm the type of person that only does something if provided with the correct motivation.

School is an interesting situation for me at this point. I've finally decided what I want to study (social entrepreneurship), but I'm not motivated in many of my classes. Of course, there is the beautiful weather and the fact that it's spring quarter to consider, but those aren't strong enough reasons to hinder me from pushing myself. The fact is, I've been doing this work-my-ass-off thing since high school and I just want to relax. A specific thought entered my mind today: I don't have any time to even read books for fun because I have so many commitments. That really upsets me because, if you know me at all, you know that reading has made me who I am. It's just a really frustrating situation to know that I'm at this amazing school, studying an emerging field, and that I'm not loving every second of it. Is a year off really what I want to do? I guess we'll see.

[P.S. I'll probably be using this space to do some really poor creative writing (e.g. short stories, poetry, maybe potential book chapters?), so BEWARE.]

It's Been A While...

2008-03-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

The past four months have been a blur, and as a result, I haven't really been able to write in this blog for a very long while. I probably could have found the time to do so, but I never really found the impetus to write; nothing really inspired me to click-clack away at the keyboard while staring at my laptop screen.
So what brings me here right now? I'm not really sure at this point. Maybe I just miss the rhythm of the keys being struck as I write mindless nonsense. I also bought a paper journal (again) and I haven't written in it for at least a week. Why can't I develop some consistent routine for writing journal or blog entries? Do I really get much pleasure from writing about my day as much as I think I do?
Maybe I could turn this blog into a creative writing experiment. Every couple of days, I could attempt to write a short story or a poem as a creative catharsis. After all, I don't get many opportunities to be creative with my school work, so maybe I can take advantage of this space to stimulate my brain's right side (that's the side that correlates with creativity, right?).
Why don't I give it a shot?

The Old Union
I sit here, enveloped by an incessant humming
A sound that implies activity, a buzzing
That, in its consistency, erases the inactivity around me
9:56 PM
The lights shine bright and students walk past
Anonymity at its finest
And no one hears
The click-clack of words as they come to fruition

Wow. That was terrible.

Important Post-Thanksgiving Realizations

2007-11-28T00:09:00.000-08:00

After taking a week off and returning home for the Thanksgiving holiday, I've come to a couple of important conclusions:

1. I miss Southern California immensely.
2. I need a car at Stanford.
3. This quarter, academically, is almost a lost cause but can be an important learning experience.

I've also realized that I'm still not sure what motivates me here at Stanford. I tell myself that I study hard and work hard for my parents, my sisters, and my future family, but I often find myself just sleeping this quarter. I know that a lot of it can be attributed to my busy extracurricular schedule and a severe lack of sleep, but I know many people can push past these obstacles and succeed. There's also the monetary factor to consider: my parents are paying thousands of dollars for me to attend, and my slacking will prove to be costly; my parents don't deserve that.

[edited Monday, December 10, 2007 at 1:51 AM PST]

I know this sounds like quite the transition after I had asked such reflective questions, but I think I know now what motivates me and what drives me to succeed. Recently, I've found a passion for public service that drives my inquisitive, academic nature. Despite wanting to major in Management Science & Engineering initially, I have realized that my future lies in Urban Studies. I will still take courses that relate to technological and business innovation, simple because I am interested in these topics and they are important to be informed of, but a majority of my academic coursework will focus upon the problems inherent in U.S. cities, especially Los Angeles and San Francisco. I really feel that I want to make a difference in the world, and increasing my knowledge in this subject area will help me to improve my skills and knowledge as a future civil servant. I still will minor in MS&E because business is the root of my entrepreneurial interests, but I know now that true intellectual stimulation comes from the plight of the urban oppressed and downtrodden.

My Reflections as a "Frat Boy" (Part I)

2007-11-15T02:34:00.000-08:00

This will be, by far, one of the most reflective and emotional entries I have published so far. So I'm pledging a fraternity, a fraternity that, in its ideals, is one established in the name of honor, a fraternity that was established as a reaction to what its founders deemed as "hazing" at a southern military college after the Civil War. It is a fraternity, that, in its ideals, I have come to love and admire; no other fraternity at Stanford represents the ideals that this one does, ideals that I feel align with my personal and spiritual philosophy. It is also, for the most part, a fraternity composed of young men who I greatly admire and whose company I enjoy. But as our initiation week draws to a close and I move one step closer to becoming an initiate (or a "knight" as we call it), I am beginning to question my motivations for pledging this fraternity, or at least the organization's ability to adhere to the virtues that I have held so close to my heart since I discovered them.
You see, especially during I-Week, I feel that our pledge process has sometimes included very arbitrary pledge challenges. Don't get me wrong; I felt that many of these events, even in their arbitrariness, my brothers and I were, in the very least, bonded closer together in our struggle to succeed. Eating global thermonuclear hot wings and seeing the faces my pledge brothers made after the heat kicked in provided some amazing memories. So did conquering a pitch-black aqueduct in record time. I'm not saying that all our challenges have not had meaning; being an optimist, I always find myself trying to grow and learn from each event despite my inability to understand its significance to our growth as candidates. Lately, I feel that the pledge process has taken a turn in a direction that our fraternity ideals do not condone. In my eyes, some of the things that have happened have tiptoed around being what many would call hazing. Being doused in baby oil and made to run carrying a watermelon around campus does not seem at all educational or productive in my opinion. My strongly optimistic side tells me that we learned teamwork and how to push ourselves when situations are not favorable, but after hearing our actives laugh at and enjoy drenching us in oil, it seems as if the event itself gave these men I hope to call "brothers" in the future a twisted satisfaction, especially since they themselves were subject to it during their pledge process. Many of these men are the same men I mentioned earlier, men I admire for their intelligence, courage, talent, and determination. But to see them enjoy the discomfort of others who look to them as role models in a small way breaks my heart. At the same time, it pains me to see my pledge brothers struggle alongside me. I feel a kinship to them that is comparable only to that of my own best friends, "The League," as we call ourselves. The means of attaining the signatures of our actives has also raised some questions in my mind. I have participated in and seen my brothers participate in some demeaning events. I have had to Facebook message a fraternity alumni and insult his girlfriend; I respect him very much and he has helped me in the past, and although he knows I did it in the spirit of I-Week, I still feel guilt over saying such lewd and obscene things about his girlfriend. Even in jest, I know I would be angry if anyone spoke that way about Angela. Again, I'm torn. I have to admit, tandem biking nude and streaking through Meyer Library was definitely a fun experience, but I think that sometimes the line is crossed, and in a national fraternity where smaller infractions are not tolerated, I wonder what National would say if it heard about these things.
All this concerns me so much because I want this fraternity to rise and come to symbolize something greater. To this day, the most amazing thing I have discovered about it (besides its members) is its secession from National in 1962 to protest its policy of disallowing African-Americans and Asians from becoming candidates. I want us to be known as more than just a social fraternity. Great men have already emerged from our ranks, and I feel that my brothers and I can be a force on campus, contributing to community development and social service, alongside our prestige as a social organization. I already see what greatness can be achieved when a few come together; I just wish for our fraternity to be shown in the best light possible and I feel that, given the immense talent that it holds, we as a collective unit can do so much more.
There's still two days left until I-Week ends. We'll see how my thoughts change as the week ends. I pray that God gives me strength in the coming days.

It's amazing what can happen in 17 hours...

2007-11-08T21:34:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm embellishing, but I don't think I'll ever truly understand the power of love to motivate human action. How ridiculous is it that someone would spend $300 to fly up for only 15 hours to be my date for my fraternity formal, then go back the next morning to return to her responsibilities at work? I am a man of many words, a man who loves to hear himself speak and explain things and rationalize people's actions, but after experiencing just how great being loved feels, I am at a loss for words. As she says, "speechless". That silence says something, especially coming from someone like me. Throughout this entire relationship, I have felt so undeserving of the love and attention I've been given, especially because of my inability to fully reciprocate as a result of my busy schedule. Why do I deserve a love like this? Who am I to burden such an amazing, thoughtful, and beautiful person like her, especially since I haven't been stepping up to the plate lately. I truly thank God for sending her to me every night; it's because of her love and support that I know that I'm moving in a positive direction in my life. She can push me to be better without doing anything, yet her dedication to her responsibilities and her goals inspires me to a new level of vision and achievement. I'm a very independent person, but I just can't see me living the rest of my life without her. She is my hope, my dream, my support, my wings, my love, my life. It's pretty heavy for a 19-year-old, but I believe it with every bit of me. Thank you, babe, for all you do. I hope that one day I can be as good to you as you have been to me. Love you.

Some Interesting Questions (Unfinished)

2007-11-05T01:14:00.000-08:00

Today has been a day filled with questions that have challenged (or maybe affirmed) my position on certain metaphysical issues. They all generally lead back to the most significant question that we as humans have been trying to answer, a question that history, science, religion, and art have all attempted to find the solution to: What is the meaning of life (and is there only one meaning)? After having a lengthy philosophical discussion with a person who I initially believed to be one of the biggest meatheads I'd ever met (I won't mention any names), I began to reflect upon my own beliefs and behaviors. Do I really have a purpose on this planet, and if so, what is it? Are we all ultimately destined to the same fate in death? I, being a romantic and a devout spiritualist, do believe in a destiny that is affected by both free will and the Will of a Greater Power, and I feel that science can only explain a limited amount of what makes up life.

"Be Bold," Part I

2007-11-02T02:49:00.000-07:00

The First Step: Finding Your Truest Self
1. What does your "hair down/shoes off" self look like? What are you doing during these moments?

I don't really understand what this question is asking. Is it asking for how I am at my most relaxed, or is it asking what I am like when I am stripped down to my very core? If the answer is the latter, I feel that, deep down, my very essence is that of a social servant. I feel that my mission, in its simplest form, is to help other people, whether they be less fortunate or not. When I have my "shoes off," I imagine myself being a lively, friendly host to everyone I encounter. I see myself striking up conversation, building relationships, finding what's most good in people, and making each person feel like he or she is truly valued.

2. What actions have you taken in your life that best reflect what's meaningful to you? Why were they meaningful?

Most significantly, I feel that either choosing to work for ABL or attending Stanford has been the most important decision in life in terms of my career because of the direction that both actions have pointed me to. I always knew that I had a greater, divinely inspired purpose in life, and the atmospheres at both institutions have led me to find what may be this more significant meaning that I should be working towards.

3. What do you do that makes you feel most alive?

At the professional level, I love leading projects and decomposing them into smaller, more manageable tasks. Entrepreneurship in general really excites me, and the prospect of creating my own organization is a major driving force of my education.

4. If you had one word tattooed on your body, what would it be and why?

I'd probably get either "passion" or "love" tattooed to my body. I feel those two words really encompass what truly motivates me to act and push myself to higher levels of achievement and growth.

A Feeling of Accomplishment

2007-11-02T00:50:00.000-07:00

I know this sounds somewhat sad, but there's a certain feeling of accomplishment that goes along with not taking a nap for an entire day. Taking long naps in the middle of the day has become a bad habit of mine since I first started college, and it's probably the reason why I fell behind so drastically the first half of this quarter. But today was different. There was something about putting on a crisp dress shirt, pressed dress slacks, polished dress shoes, and a silk tie that motivated me to push myself to a higher level of efficiency than I'm used to here at school. It was almost as if I were back in the office, grinding away at a project despite an intense level of fatigue. The kicker is that I didn't even have a cup of coffee today. Don't get me wrong; at some points, I felt really tired. But for some reason, I was able to steam past the drooping eyelids and handle my business. I guess it's a double-edged sword; I know now what I'm capable of, and I'll be disappointed if I don't perform at such a high level on a more consistent basis. I guess that means I'm going business casual more often.
On another note, I was reading this book that I received from Professor Edwards yesterday called "Be Bold," which is published by the Echoing Green Foundation. The book talks about 12 Echoing Green Fellows who are creating positive change in the global community. After reading a couple of their struggles and "moments of obligation," as the book calls them, I found myself genuinely inspired, to say the least. So much so that thoughts of taking next year off to begin my own non-profit organization began to seem more like a plausible option. Right now I feel so motivated to go out into the field and do research on the prevailing problems of urban education and see where I can use my talents to improve the academic problems of central city youth. Next quarter, I'm going to seek out a mentor who will help me take the preliminary steps to starting up my company, or at least help me compile my research. I feel that this will ultimately be my calling; I just don't want to close any doors just yet though.
Everything has, in a way, fallen very neatly into place for me. After struggling for a little over two weeks, I've finally reached a stable state of tranquility and a peace of mind that I have not experienced since the quarter began. I am always aware of the fact that I am blessed in numerous ways, but I found that I don't truly appreciate these blessings until I overcome a period of high stress and increased anxiety. It's sad, but I guess it's true when they say that you don't truly miss something until it's gone (except that in my case, it's that I don't appreciate what I have until I have lost my opportunity to do so). I really didn't like the way I reacted to the stress because that's exactly what I did: react. Instead of being proactive and trying to find a solution, I found myself merely stressing out and reiterating how bad my situation was. Now I see that the only way to get through a problem is hold your head up high, brace yourself, and bust through it as best you can until you can't run any longer, because at the end of the day, "this too shall pass".
My life is in a perpetual state of grace. Who am I to complain about this charmed life of mine?
My beloved family, I will cherish your love and support; I hope to make you proud. My loyal friends, I will enjoy your company and individuality; I hope to make you laugh. My loving lady, I will cherish your devotion and understanding; I hope to make you happy. My generous Father, I will cherish Your benevolence and compassion; I hope to make myself worthy of Your Love. Amen.

Sophomore Year So Far...

2007-10-25T00:44:00.000-07:00

I'm six weeks into the fall quarter of my sophomore year, and things haven't turned out quite as magically as I had hoped they would. Aside from the routine overload from a stressful class schedule and too many extracurricular activities, I feel like I haven't had the time to develop all the relationships that I cherished so much last year. I don't even get a chance to see Elaine or Lerma, and they live right next door to me! I don't know if it has to do with me being spread out way too thin, ineffective time management, or a combination of both, but part of me feels that I'm not getting the most out of my life here at Stanford because I'm dedicating so much of it towards achievement and building organizations.
Looking at the last couple of weeks (and even the last couple of months), I wonder if this is what I should be doing. I mean, I'm good at building organizations, but I feel that, especially recently, I haven't even been doing that well because of all of my commitments. Dv8 isn't close to where I wanted it to be from last year, and I'm struggling to find my place at the top of the group. I feel that no one really respects the ideals that the team stands for (mainly dedication, innovation, and community) and that almost no one truly loves dancing. I even find myself doubting my passion for the craft, and I always thought myself an crazed enthusiast of hip-hop. At this point, I don't know what I should do. Should I work to inspire my teammates? How can I inspire if I often find myself without inspiration? Should I work to serve my own artistic interests? How do I do that without contradicting the ideals of community upon which Dv8 was founded? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place; I just hope that I'll find the means out and thrive upon escape.
Then there's school. Escuela. I'm definitely not doing as well as I should be. I've already had to drop a class this quarter because I couldn't find time to study for it, and I'm still struggling to even stay behind in my CompSci and Urban Studies classes. At least I'm learning a lot in Spanish. I have less than five weeks left in the quarter with one midterm down and two approaching (both of which I am completely unprepared for). I'm wondering whether I have what it takes to overcome these obstacles and succeed. I pray that I am given the strength and diligence to do so, but right now, prospects aren't looking so hot.
I guess, in retrospect, I just need to get a hold of myself and my life. I'm not used to this much responsibility and taking on responsibility for others, but I'm going to need to learn if I'm ever going to grow as a leader and as a person. It's essentially up to me to make the most of this journey and to take what I can from it. Time will tell. It is my hope that the next time I write an entry here, it will be one of celebration and triumph.

My Final Thoughts on Summer 2007 (Originally Unpublished)

2007-09-14T17:48:00.000-07:00

Looking back on the last three months, I find that I have grown immensely, not only as a result of the intense professional environment at the Academy of Business Leadership (ABL), but also because of the various relationship dynamics that I have explored this summer. I am extremely grateful for my experiences during the summer, and I will be forever thankful for the special people in my life; I believe that I am blessed beyond all reason.

I don't want this to be a negative post, as I have no right to be expressing such sentiments. But I feel that I need an outlet, and I don't want to ever impose a burden upon other people with my petty whinings-about. So let this be a disclaimer and an apology to anyone who ever comes across this: the proceeding entry is not a reflection of my life, only the sentiments and emotions that are flying through my heart and my mind currently.

For almost my entire life, I think I've dealt with a very complicated inferiority complex. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm confident in my abilities to learn, to do work, and to get a job done, but no matter what I do, and no matter how perfect my life seems to be, I always end up feeling as if I've let someone I care about down. For example, spending time at ABL gave me joy because the job was fulfilling and meaningful on top of the fact that I was able to share it with Angela. But doing so meant that I spent less time with my family and friends. On the flipside, keeping my family and friends happy and spending time with them implies that I can't give my everything to work and that I spend less time with someone I care about so much.

8/15/07

2007-08-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't really gotten the chance to evaluate how my life has come to be the way it is today. I've written about how grateful I am and what actually is going on, but I haven't had the opportunity to really contemplate how I've reached this point. It's been a bumpy ride thus far; I've had many ups and downs, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I guess a lot of the abundance that is present in my life can be attributed to an appreciation for the power of positive thinking. Whenever I hear testimonials about this "power," I become a little skeptical because I like to believe that people earn what they get; thought alone cannot guarantee success. You have to be able to visualize what you want before you can actualize it, of course, but it is your action, your decision to move purposefully in the direction of your dreams, that increases your chances of attaining what my originally be unattainable. Everytime I see a gimmicky presentation of this concept, I cringe a little (I'm still not sure how I feel about "The Secret"). They seem to guarantee results without emphasizing the importance of action.

Let's do a little case study, shall we? Since I often refer to my first meeting with Angela as a life-changing moment, I'll take my relationship with her as the subject of my little "study". I honestly didn't attract her into my life. I didn't want to date anyone; I didn't want to run the risk of having my heart broken again; I just wanted to be successful in everything else in my life and focus on myself individually. Yet somehow, by God's grace, she has come into my life and has become one of the best friends I have ever had. An incomparable love has been revealed to me although I didn't actively search for it. I have found someone who has exceeded my expectations for a girlfriend, best friend, and potential wife. To this day, I thank God for her because I know I don't deserve a love like hers. Despite my thoughts and my skepticism, she is still here in my life. Where's "The Secret" in that? I don't mean to demean a philosophy that has changed the lives of so many people, but personally, I feel that it is more through the loving grace of God that people experience prosperity rather than the alignment of thoughts, desires, and actions. Aligning the three certainly will help you reach your aspirations, but I believe that, ultimately, it is God who decides your final destination. His benevolence implies that He will often allow you to reach the destination you wish to reach, but I feel that it might not be that case all the time.

I'm still exploring my feelings on all of this. The only thing I know for sure is that spiritual power of the will of God in conjunction with the earthly power of the human will is incredible. All change, big or small, is possible when these two factors align.

There's a first time for everything, right? (Originally Unpublished)

2007-07-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm always looking for opportunities to grow, chances to become a better son, brother, friend, co-worker, and person. I feel that the last six or so weeks have challenged every moral, spiritual, social, intellectual, and professional fiber in my body. I've been stretched to the point of utmost exhaustion, but I find that, no matter what, I possess an unexpected resilience that allows me to continue to strive for my best. It's as if God is teaching me an honors course in life and pop quizzing me every morning on a different lesson that I didn't get any notes on prior. But I can't complain because, as far as I see it, I'm growing as a person.